To me, depression is like a lock down! It’s when my body and mind protest in a most violent manner. When you are in that state, there’s nothing to appreciate, nothing to look forward to, until…. you get to the end of that tunnel, and start to analyze what happened.对我而言，抑郁症就好像被关进了监狱一般。我的身体和思想都用较暴力的方式抗议着。当你在那样的状态下，没有任何事物是值得感恩，值得期待的，直到……你走到那条隧道的尽头，开始分析发生的这一切。Here’s my own reflection: We all are taught from a young age to speak in a certain way, to act in a certain way, or even to like or dislike something.以下是我的深思：我们都从小就被教育这用怎样的方式说话，应该有怎样的行为举止，甚至是应该像什么或是不像什么那样生活。The voice of our inner being is repressed as we grow older, and we slowly get lost in the society that has expectations from us. Depression is the last call for awakening, in a very powerful and violent way. It tells me to respect my feelings, not rules, and it tells me to listen to my desires, not controlling them.随着我们的成长，我们内心的声音被压抑了，我们慢慢地在这个我们有所期待的社会中迷失了。抑郁症以其有力的残暴的方式，恰是觉醒的较后号召。它告诉我要尊重我的感受，而不是这些规则，它也告诉我应该听从我的欲望，而不是控制它们。Now today, we are presenting another article from our beloved Nochy. Let’s hear what she says about her journey with depression.今天，我们将呈现来自亲爱的Nochy的另一篇文章。让我们来听一听她的抑郁症之旅。Thank you, depression.Depression changed my life – for the better.This was unexpected. My physical pains and emotional agony were my wakeup call from a life I did not choose to live. It was my heart’s way of vying for attention, because I had ignored the small voice inside of me for so long. The endeavour to be what others wanted me to be, to chisel into perfection the image society would laud and honour, over exerted my soul, body, and mind. I had enough. But I was stubborn and did not take a break. So mini-me decided to stomp on the emergency breaks as protest. I collapsed like an air statue suddenly devoid of helium.谢谢你，抑郁症。抑郁症改变了我的生活——把它变得更好。这是意料之外的。我生理上的疼痛和情绪上的痛苦来自与我并未选择的那种生活。这是我的心用其独特的方式在求得关注，因为我已经忽略这些来自我内心的细微声音太久太久了。这些为了成为他人期待着的那个我而付出的努力，这个为了雕筑社会推崇和赞美的完美形象而付出的努力，滥用着我的灵魂、身体和思想。我受够了。但是我如此顽固，从未停歇。所以那个迷你版的我决定踩上紧急刹车来表示抗议。我像缺乏氦气的空气雕像一般瞬间崩塌。Had it not been depression, I might still be running on a treadmill aimlessly, going nowhere, and doing something I did not love, even though I was good at it. I could have broken down more severely.每一次我想到这些无法解释的、黑暗的、混沌的日子，这些我无法控制自己的想法、情绪和行为的日子，这些我被疲倦和黑暗吞噬的日子时，我便内心一紧。我并不想再过一次这样的日子，我也不希望任何人会体验到这般。Every time I think of those inexplicable, dark, murky days in where I could not control my thoughts, emotions or behaviour, consumed by lassitude and anguish, my heart muscle winces. It is not an experience I wish to go through again or wish on anyone. 如果不是因为抑郁症，我或许仍在毫无目的地踩着踏板，不知去向何方，也做着自己不热爱的事，尽管我很擅长这一切。我却可能会崩溃得更加。Yet, self-tortuous as I am, I do sometimes think I should relive those days.If I had known about depression, and the metamorphosis I would undergo, I would have let myself embrace the destitute hopelessness to a fuller extent to reap the lessons more patiently. Instead, I was in a hurry to get out of the state. I was frustrated at having to take anti-depressants every day. I was angry with myself for not being able to “pull myself together” when everyone told me to. I did not understand what I was going through.尽管纠结如我，我有时候仍希望能够再体验一次那些黑暗的日子。尽管我之前就对抑郁症，以及自己经历的这些蜕变有所了解，我仍希望我当初应该更耐心地去拥抱从陌生的绝望到更深一层次再到吸取那些教训的这个过程。相反，我曾那么急切地想要逃出那个状态。对于每天服用抗抑郁的药物，当时的我非常烦躁。我对那个没法听从他人的指示振作起来的自己感到愤怒。我不能理解我当时经历的一切。However, when I was livid, distressed, in grief, in despair, in manic tears, in a tantrum, or simply rotting on my couch, I was at my most expressive time. Words tumbled out in my mind, thoughts penetrated through the subconscious, and suppressed emotions blossomed.然而，当我愤怒着，痛苦着，悲伤着，绝望着，躁狂地流泪着，任性着，或是颓废在沙发上，我都在淋漓尽致地表达着自己。词句从我的思想中倾落，感受从我的潜意识中渗透，被压抑的情绪悄然绽放。I wish I had written more of that down instead of swearing at my journal. I re-read one of the entries and all it said was “Fxxk this and fxxk that and fxxk life” etc. But there is no going back, and I do not regret how I faced this dark monster.我希望我写下了更多经历而不只是在我的日记中咒骂。我重读了其中一篇，我当时写下的通篇皆是对种种事物的咒骂。但是时间一去不复返，我并不后悔我当时是如何面对那个黑暗的怪兽的。Indeed, I have qualms with painting such a bleak picture of depression. For a long time, I placed it across the enemy lines and made depression an opponent - something I had to win over, had to be stronger than, and more powerful than.I tried to control depression. I tried to defeat it. However, that was exactly why depression consumed me.事实上，我对于这样刻画抑郁症阴冷凄凉的形象是感到不安的。有很长一段时间，我把它置于敌人线的那一边并把它看作敌人——看作我必须要打败的对象，我必须比它更强壮更有力。我尝试着去控制抑郁症。我尝试着去打败它。然而，这也正是为什么抑郁症吞噬了我。The more I fought, the more it entangled. The day I noticed the glimpse of aura (unlike the aura I saw at the onset of an excruciating migraine) beyond depression, the dark force shattered, fragment by fragment.Depression is not foe; depression is friend.我抵抗得越奋力，它就变得越难缠。我意识到应该去领略那种超出抑郁症本身的特质 （而不是看待令人难以忍受的偏头痛开始时的那种氛围），那黑暗的力量便一片一片地破碎了。抑郁症不是敌人，它是一个朋友。As Buddha would say: pain is inevitable, but suffering is by choice.Depression is an angel, to bring a message, but in a way we did not expect and so we cast it outside. We define it as negative because our learned conditional responses equated any pain or despair as negative. We hide under the comfort zone to commiserate with other victims of this illness. We judged it with preconceptions before it had a chance to be heard.佛陀会说：痛苦是无法避免的，而遭受苦难是一种选择。抑郁症是一个天使，它带来一个信息，但是以一种我们没有意料到的方式所以我们驱赶它。我们定义它为负面的是因为我们习得的条件反射把一切痛苦和欲望等同于消较。我们躲藏在舒适区内同情着其他的患病者。我们在它有机会被认识之前就已经用成见去评判它了。If I could, I would go through the same pain again. Only this time, I would not classify the pain as something to get rid of, nor would it be a treacherous shark. It was only by my own decision that I let the pain devour me. I would embrace the messages the pain wanted to deliver. I would listen to my body and my soul. I would look for the root causes of the situation instead of trying to get rid of the painful symptoms.如果有可能，我愿意再经受一次同样的痛苦。只是这一次，我将不会把这种痛苦归类为我要摆脱的东西，它也不会是一条危险的鲨鱼。这种痛苦对我的吞噬是我自己的决定。我将会接受痛苦是会出现的这个消息。我将会听从我的身体和灵魂。我将会洞察产生这一情况较根本的原因而不是仅仅摆脱这些痛苦的症状。The pain is neutral; my suffering and my verdict that depression was an enemy, was subjective.痛苦是中性的；我的遭受和我对于抑郁症是敌人的判断，是主观的。Once I opened up to it, listened to it, embraced it, depression became less threatening. Depression built my character, it reinforced self-awareness, it taught me to express my emotions, it brought me back writing, to cooking, and introduced me to Bearapy.当我敞开心扉面对它，聆听它，拥抱它，抑郁症就不再那么吓人。它塑造了我的个性，它增强了自我意识，它教导我如何表达情绪，它让我重拾写作、烹饪以及向我介绍了小熊治方法。Take your time.Let depression be a guiding light to a better understanding of your emotions, thoughts and behaviour.Let it build you, prepare you, train you to become greater than you dare imagine.慢慢来。让抑郁症指引你更好地理解你的情绪、想法和行为。让它塑造你，充实你，训练你成为那个你想象中更好的自己。You will get better. You will be better.And so again, thank you sickness, thank you depression.(Originally published on NochNoch.com)你会好起来的。你会好起来的。所以再一次，感谢你疾病，感谢你抑郁症。（较初发表于NochNoch.com）Today's story comes from Nochy, who sees herself as a gigglepot, a perfectionist, a bossy wife, the Bearalist, a fan of Dr Seuss, and an expert in making fish face impressions. Occasionally she works as a play consultant and writes about mental health issues, based in Beijing.If you'd like to share your stories and experience with depression, mania and/or severe anxiety or stress, please contact us at: info@candlex.org今天的故事来自Nochy，她自认为是一个爱笑的人，一个完美主义者，一个霸道的妻子，小熊治方法的忠实拥护者，Seuss医生的粉丝以及一个做鱼脸表情的医生。有时候她是一个娱乐顾问并且写一写有关精神疾病的文章，常住于北京。